Harry Potter and the Saviour of the Universe
by Colin Xavier
Summary: The World has become a Utopia! Or has it?
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Saviour of the Universe

Part One of Two

It's a bright shiny day at Hogwarts school for Witchcraft and Wizardry, thousands of people have gathered and crowded themselves on the grounds. All of them coming together and celebrating. The school is about to reopen today, after being closed for the last year due to the death of Albus Dumbledore and the worsening security situation

But, with the death of Voldemort and his Death Eaters at the hands of a mere teenage boy, Peace has returned, and not just peace within the Wizarding world, but with the Muggles also! The war exposed the magical world, and the Muggles were confused. Then the Saviour extended a hand of friendship to them, they looked upon him in awe and accepted.

Thus, a New Alliance of the World was formed. Bringing together all the different species together, under one banner, to eradicate all problems, plaguing the world after the war against Voldemort.

An election was also commissioned, anybody could vote for whoever they wanted to be president. The last months after the death of the Dark Lord have been hectic. Among the first things on the agenda was the reopening of Hogwarts.

A huge spectacle was planned. Thousands of different leaders, parents, media and members of the other magical schools arriving for the grand reopening but mainly to see the boy who was responsible for this all.

The immense crowd awaits with bated breath, an 120 piece orchestra stands by, different "Welcome back" rites are rehearsed by the Hogwarts, Durmstrang, Bueaxbatons and other students. The crowd gets restless...

The Crowd: Where is our teenage hero!

Somebody: Look up in the sky! It's a bird!

Somebody Else: It's a plane!

RBGK: No! It's a flying Hogwarts carriage!

The carriage slowly descends from the clouds, the people scream in joy. The carriage lurches and falls towards the grounds with rapid speed, the people scream in terror. Just feet from the ground, it levels off and moves up again, leaving reddish smoke in it's wake.

It moves through the air, doing spits and turns, once it finishes and slowly starts to descend the crowd read the smoky message "Long live the Alliance! Greetings form the Saviour" and burst into applause. The carriage lands on the ground and the excitement reaches fever pitch. Everybody waits breathlessly for the door to open and him to come out.

_You'd think that it would be me wouldn't you?_

_Who am I? Well, if somebody told you that I was just an ordinary guy without a care in the world, somebody lied. Somebody lied big time! Who is this creep feeding you false information? Get rid of him now! _

_Ah hem, so I assume you know who I am and in case you don't I shall give you hints, ...I'm the boy who lived... the Chosen One... Hogwarts Quidditch Captain... Youngest Seeker in a hundred years... best Seeker in a hundred years ... Oh, and I'm very modest._

Snitch Readers: Er... Anakin Skywalker! No wait... Ginny Weasly... No...

_I'M HARRY POTTER!_

Snitch Readers: Oh.

_Now that we got that out of the way, you must be wondering what all this commotion is about. Personally, I don't care. I much rather be anywhere else at this moment. But I am compelled to be here because if I don't see this farce for myself then my imagination will takeover and make this out to be ten times worse! _

_Why all this commotion? Well, let me tell you. Voldemort's dead, Hogwarts is about to reopen, the magical community has reached out and openly contacted the outside world for a grand alliance, SEE? Things are horrible!_

_Why are they horrible you ask? Well I'll tell you! The person who is taking all the credit for this... the person who the entire world has lauded for bringing peace and ending war everywhere is sitting in that carriage over there! _

_I'M THE ONE WHO DESTROYED THE HORCRUXES! I'M THE ONE WHO TRACKED THEM DOWN ME ME ME ME ME... (yeah, and that Mr. Freckles and Mrs. Know-it-all helped... I suppose)_

_So who is taking the credit for my supreme efforts? Here he is now... I can't watch..._

The carriage door opens, the crowd goes wild. "HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!" The Quidditch players form "You Are The Greatest." in mid air. The girls squeal feverishly.

Mrs. Weasley: AAIIIEEEEEE!

Fred and George: Mom?

The teenage boy walks away from the carriage in his marvellously elegant and spiffy suit. Sporting a to-die-for leather shoes and wearing a magnificently crafted hat, protecting his rugged but delicate features from the scorching sun above. The fashion experts from London, Paris and Milan stare at him in awe. The crowd goes wilder, the people start screaming "You the Man!", "Hail our Hero! Our champion!", " Marry me, you big wonderful thing!"

Big Wonderful Thing: (Strikes a pose) The names Malfoy, .. Draco Malfoy.

The girls swoon in delight, some faint.

Fred: Mom, wake up!

George: Come on, lets get her out of here!

_I know you're thinking. Draco Malfoy? How can this be! What happened? What the hell happened! Draco killed Voldemort? Draco killed the death eaters? Draco single-handedly brought world peace to Magic and Muggle people alike? How? _

_All excellent questions. And I know the answers. But the trouble is, nobody will listen to me, watch._

Harry: (Shouting aloud) It's a fraud! It's a fraud! It's a fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud! I was there when Voldemort and the Death Eaters died. I saw what happened. And Draco is lying! LYING!

Hagrid: 'Course he is Arry. Go along now, play with yer broom. (wearing a giant hat of Draco)

_See! They just won't listen to reason. Their so many things strange about all of this. Like how when Snape came back, and claiming that he was Dumbledore's side all along, With his "I-was-on-Dumbledores's-side-all-along-which-is-why-I-raised-my-wand-pointed-it-at-his-heart-and-said-Avada Kedavra" alibi._

_Guess what? EVERYBODY frickin' believed that! especially after the wondrous Draco vouched for him!_

_Then there's McGonagall and her strange disappearance, leaving a note saying she is going to fulfil her lifelong ambition to study penguins in the north pole. Guess who gets her job after that... why old wonderful SNAPE of course! Who is now the Headmaster of our school! _

_Studying penguins? Who's dumb enough to believe that? Is anybody dumb enough to believe that? _

Ron: I wonder how McGonagall's doing with the penguins?

_Oh, and If you're wondering about Mr. Freckles, he abandoned me and went running after Draco to become his flunky. That no-good traitorous glory-chaser!_

_Hermione? Well Draco er... called for an end to the slavery of the Elfs which led to their immediate freedom and this development _

Hermione: (Talking to the Elfs after their freedom) You're free! Free! To do what ever you wish!

Dobby: Yes, we are free! Thank you Lord Malfoy!

Kreacher: (Sobbing) Malfoy's such a good boy!

Winky: And don't forget Hermione! She fought for us when no one did!

Kreacher: Yes, we must thank her!

Hermione: Now really, there's no need for that. It was a pleasure.

Dobby: I know! We'll make her a Queen to order us around 24x7!

Hermione: What! No!

Kreacher: Kreacher seconds the motion!

Winky: So do I! Well Queen Hermione, what do you wish for us to do?

Hermione: I am not your queen!

Kreacher: Is the Queen not fulfilling her obligations?

Hermione: Oh for, I'm getting out of here.

Winky: GRAB HER!

Elfs: (Grab and kidnap Hermione)

Hermione: No! No! Noooooooo...

_So Hermione was taken away to parts unknown, where she is now being forced to command thousands of Elfs at her beck and call. Poor Hermione._

_Speaking of poor, I have just joined the ranks of those in poverty because the bank apparently "Lost" all my gold! This is my exchange with the bank..._

Harry: You lost my what!

Gringotts: All your worldly possessions in our care.

Harry: Well, I demand compensation!

Gringotts: Oh, shoot. Do you have Insurance?

Harry: I don't need Insurance to recover the Gold that YOU lost!

Gringotts: According to our new rules, you need to be insured in order to avail our "Recovery" plan.

Harry: Rules? What new rules?

Gringotts: The ones we instituted five minutes before you entered.

Harry: This is crazy! And Illegal! I'll get the best lawyer money can buy and sue you!

Gringotts: You certainly can, but...

Harry: But what?

Gringotts: You don't have any money... heh heh.

Harry: Then I'll go to Magical Law Enforcement.

Gringotts: You do that, it'll be interesting to see their reaction especially after our rather generous donation to their "Magical Law Enforcement ball"

Harry: So I'm just broke! And can't do anything about it!

Gringotts: Well, there is one thing...

Harry: What?

Gringotts: You may apply for a loan! 100 interest per day for the first week and 200 the following...

Harry: You... you... bad person! (Storms out)

Gringotts: Come back again to Gringotts! Where we treat your money like it's ours.

_Is it a coincidence that through his influence, Draco got his father out of Azkaban and into a cushy job as Head of Gringotts bank, Just the day before? I think not!_

_So things got so bad that I was forced to put up Grimmauld Place for sale. Which was the day that the Alliance came in and had it declared a "International Monument" due to it's role as the Headquarters of the Anti-Voldemort movement. Which basically meant that I couldn't sell or do anything with it!_

_I was staying with the Weasleys and I got desperate so I accepted a job opening with Fred and George to be on their "Testing committee" which in other words meant that I was their Guinea Pig. I was also made to bow and swear an oath to the "Goddess of Mischief" to make my job official._

_Plus, have you heard their advertising jingle? Terrible sound! _

_I arrived on my first day after preparing my will. They set me in a chair and began testing all sorts of horrible torture devices on me and having far too much fun while at it._

_I managed to live, and make it to my bed that day all in one piece except for one golden ring that stuck to my finger and won't come off... My Precious... My Precious... Ahem, where was I?_

_So I managed to make enough gold to get supplies for one last year at Hogwarts, after which I will apply for Auror training._

_And, if you're still wondering about Draco all I'm going to say is DON'T! In the past few months he's been everywhere, meeting all sorts of people and species and every single one of them sing praises about him!_

_He appeared on Satellite TV and spoke to the entire world where he made an impassioned appeal to end all suffering and join together. The next day, as his message filtered down to every human being, the world entered some sort of strange utopia._

_Murders everywhere had dropped down to near-zero, Wars that had been raging for decades were called off, Females were finally given equal rights in all corners of the globe, this and a hundred other things. _

_That's only counting Humans, Draco also campaigned hard with all kinds of species and after two months the New Alliance of the World was born, incorporating everybody into a representative, democratic world government._

_See! He's Evil!_

_I mean, can anybody do all that and not be evil? I mean look at him! Is that not a face of some wannabe Antichrist! _

Draco gently works the crowd, smiling a dazzling smile, walking a confidant walk, while speaking to as many of his admirers as possible. Suddenly a woman stumbles in his way

Woman: Oh wondrous Draco!

Draco: Oh, come now. None of that

Woman: Yes, O most gracious one

Draco: (Sighs) What can I do for you?

Woman: Master, I am blind and no amount of magics can heal me, please help me!

Draco: Very well (Places hands on her forehead)

Woman: It's a miracle! I CAN SEE!

Draco: Go in peace

Crowd: Hurrah for Draco Malfoy!

_?... Eh, well I er... _

Rita Skeeter: Make way for the presses! Move! Move! Ah, Draco dear... a few questions?

Draco: Of course.

Rita Skeeter: Have you heard the results of the election?

Draco: No, but I have complete faith in whoever is chosen by the people.

_He has faith, hah! He's probably got a secret plan to overthrow the new president and take over the world himself! But if he tries anything, I'll stop him. I'll watch him like a hawk, no way is he getting any real power._

Rita Skeeter: Draco, you won! The people chose you!

Draco: What!

_What!_

Rita Skeeter: You won! You're leader of the world!

Draco: Well, I'm shocked. I wasn't even running.

_He wasn't even running!_

Rita Skeeter: So what are you going to do now?

Draco: Well, the people have chosen me. Who am I to deny their wishes? I accept.

Crowd: He accepts! All hail our leader!

The crowd goes berserk, Draco is lifted up into the air and carried inside Hogwarts like a king all the while the crowd singing his praises and the thousands that have gathered, slowly fill into Hogwarts and into the magically enlarged Great Hall. Harry is left behind, on his knees and banging his hand on the ground.

_NO! NO! NO! NO! Ow! My hand is bleeding_

Ginny: (Appears) Harry, your hand.

Harry: It's Draco's fault! See what he did! Look at my poor hand. I'll get him for this

Ginny: Er, weren't you the one banging your hand on the rocky ground?

Harry: Darn it, Ginny! Don't rationalize this with facts!

Ginny: Sheesh, Harry just come inside. Have some dinner.

Harry: I'm not going inside there now! I'll ... I'll ... stand out here for the rest of my life!

Ginny: You're being silly

Harry: You're right, ... for the rest of the term then!

Ginny: Fine, be that way. I'm going in.

Harry: And I'm not, (Crosses arms) Nobody's going to make me move.

In one second, darkness falls on the land. Dark clouds appear out of nowhere and in another second a raging storm hits Hogwarts.

Extremely Wet Harry: Not one inch.

Lightning strikes feet from where Harry is standing, another second later and he is running wildly towards the Entrance Hall.

* * *

Harry stands in Entrance Hall for a few minutes, dripping. He heads towards the Grand Staircase while willing himself not to hear the Draco worship in progress. He takes a few steps forward when somebody shouts...

Somebody: Harry Potter!

Harry: Wha? What now!

Filch: You! Dripping water on my floors! This calls for some punishment.

Harry: Are you kidding me! What about all those people who dragged dirt in from outside?

Filch: You want me to give THOUSANDS of people detention? You on the other hand are just one. Report to the kitchens later, you have Kitchen duties! No magic.

Harry: Kitchen duties? Meaning cleaning dishes! Don't we have someone to do that?

Filch: No, the Elfs are gone. So you're now their replacement for the next... Three? ...no Four? ... Nine months!

Harry: Nine! You can't do this!

Filch: I'm sure Headmaster Snape will agree that this is 'appropriate' (Walks away laughing evilly)

As Harry watched Filch walk away who started a dance to go along with his maniacal laugh, a throbbing started in his head. Things were going too far. He turned towards the Great Hall, he had to eat something. Once inside, he saw that there were no seats left. He walked up the hall and cast his eyes at the end where he saw Draco sitting on Dumbledore's chair! With Snape at his right side. A slight knot rose up in his throat.

_Dumbledore, If only you were here. You'd see through the lies, you would have stopped this. And that unworthy b wouldn't be sitting in your chair._

Then, as if in answer to his prayers. He felt a powerful glow on his back which greatly warmed him. He chuckled to himself, now he was mad. Just perfect. But the people in front of him were staring at something in absolute shock. Harry watched Draco who had a look of total fear on his face. Snape was much much worse.

Harry turned around and there he was, just past the doors. A golden glow emanating from him. His feet just above the ground, gliding forwards. A smile on his face showing how thoroughly he was enjoying this. Albus Dumbledore had just returned to Hogwarts.

"Dumbledore" breathed Harry in wonder, his feet rooted to the floor. As the spirit came closer, Waves of happiness hit him like a tidal wave.

_Dumbledore's here! He'll know! He'll tell them all! And this time they'll have to believe him!_

Dumbledore came towards Harry, now is the time! The Media was here as well, this would be perfect to bring down some of the aura of Draco. Dumbledore was now side by side with Harry, this was it! And then Dumbledore passed him without even a second glance.

Harry: Prof. Dumbledore?

Dumbledore glides upto the table at the end of the hall and stands before an extremely nervous Draco Malfoy.

Albus Dumbledore: Draco Malfoy, I have come.

Draco: (Sweating bullets) Er, yeah. Why exactly?

Albus Dumbledore: To congratulate you.

Draco: What?

Harry: What!

Albus Dumbledore: You have defeated Lord Voldemort and accomplished an amazing amount of work in such a short span of time to make this world a better place. I am proud of you.

Draco: You are?

Harry: You are!

Albus Dumbledore: For this I honour you Draco Malfoy, Saviour of the Universe!

Draco: You do? I mean, of course you do.

Harry: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Harry screams, pushes some Ravenclaws of their seats, then tries to overturn the table and only succeeds in making a fool of himself. He compensates by grabbing and flinging the salt and pepper bottles

Snape: Stop that now! Mr. Potter.

Harry: I will not! (Continues flinging Salt and Pepper bottles)

Albus Dumbledore: Harry, stop. Didn't I teach you any manners?

Harry: No you didn't!

Albus Dumbledore: Well, it's always somebody else's fault isn't it?

Harry: Don't you know the truth!

Crowd: Oh dear lord! Not the truth again!

Harry: But it is true! Draco and Voldemort and and ... happy dances

Snape: Yes, yes. We know, Hagrid get him out of here.

Hagrid: Sorry abou' this Arry (Picks up Harry by the collar, and deposits him outside the Great Hall)

Hagrid: You've done bad, Arry. You migh get Kitchen duties for this and believe me, yeh won't want that!

Harry: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Hagrid: Aye, I'll leave yer alone now (Leaves)

_All right! You want to know what happened with Voldemort that night! How he died? Well, I'll tell you and you'd better believe me!_

_It was a dark and stormy night, and I just destroyed the last Horcrux. The three of us had a plan to trap Voldemort and then finish him, needless to say, we failed and I got captured._

_There I was, tied to a tree in the middle of another cemetery. Surrounded by all the Death Eaters except for Snape. There's Draco and there's Voldemort doing his happy dance._

Voldemort: Ooh, ooh. I got Harry Potter! I got Harry Potter!

_Isn't this a bad predicament! Will I survive? Well, of course I'll survive! I'm standing right here, aren't I !_

Voldemort: (Still doing Happy Dance) Ooh, ooh, I'm so happy, I can't do it! Draco, you do it!

Draco: At once, sire! Ahem... Avada Kedavra! ... Oops!

Voldemort: Oops? What do you mean by... ARRGGGHHHHH!

Bellatrix: You killed the Dark Lord!

Draco: I... I... I...

Bellatrix: In the light of this great new tragedy. We must stand united as one... under the leadership of me, as the new Dark Lord!

Nott: I want to be the Dark Lord.

Lestrange: No! I do.

Crabbe: No, me!

Bellatrix: (To Nott) Oh, you do huh. Take that! Avada Kedavra!

Nott: Avada Kedavra!

Lestrange: Avada Kedavra!

_It was bad, really bad, my feet were starting to hurt. Oh, and the Death Eaters descended into a civil war. It was crazy, killing spells everywhere. And in no time, every single Death Eater lay dead, well, except for..._

Draco: I... I... I...

Order of the Phoenix: (Apparates all around)

Lupin: Kill the Death ... ? What happened here!

Draco: I.. I... I... saved Harry!

* * *

Executive Producer: Colin Xavier 


	2. Chapter 2

Harry Potter and the Saviour of the Universe

Part Two of Two

_Well, that's what happened. Draco was just stupidly lucky and now he's cashing in, Now, how did he bring about world peace and get healing powers? He's evil! His hair is evil, his breath is evil, even the people he talks to are evil!_

Draco: Hi Harry.

Harry: (Jumps, grabs wand) Oh Crap.

Draco: My, somebody is jumpy today.

Harry: You... you...

Draco: Before you start, I'll like to say something.

Harry: (Crosses arms) Speak your piece.

Draco: We both know what actually happened that night.

Harry: D straight!

Draco: But, I've changed since that night. I saw an opportunity, took it and now I'm using the benefits for the good of all kind.

Harry: You're evil!

Draco: I am not.

Harry: Are too

Draco: Am not

Harry: Are too

Draco: This is going to take awhile.

Harry: Are too

Draco: Are you mad because Ron became my best friend?

Harry: Of course not. What do you think I am? Some four year old?

Ron: Hi guys.

Harry: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU TRAITOR!

Ron: Hey! Nobody orders me around.

Draco: Ron, go.

Ron: Okay. (Leaves)

Draco: I must admit, I am intrigued by your continued opposition to me, why?

Harry: You know why! One of these days you'll turn over, reveal your true colours and become a dictator. A bad one, but still a despot.

Draco: I don't plan to become a dictator.

Harry: Then what?

Draco: I just want to help people.

Harry: Liar.

Draco: You have no idea, do you?

Harry: I don't?

Draco: Do you know how hard this has been for me.

Harry: For you??! Excuse me while I laugh (Laughs)

Draco: A young boy, born to powerful and wealthy people. Parents being proud followers of the Dark Arts, parents who relentlessly force you to try and excel in everything.

Harry: You? Excel?

Draco: My parents put such horrible pressure on me that I became a nervous wreck even before I was Ten. I was a Malfoy, I needed to the be the best at everything and when I wasn't, I got derided as "Incompetent" "Useless" "Unworthy" and many others.

Harry: You can add "Ineffective" "Powerless" "Weak" ...

Draco: And then, I come to Hogwarts. Another Prison, keep up the family name. Become powerful. Boast about it, Only Prof. Snape seemed to understand how horrible I felt.

Harry: Don't forget mindless goons doing your bidding, exquisite robes, finest hair-gel gold can buy...

Draco: Then, after six years of boasting about Dark Arts I get called to the meet the Dark Lord himself, he has a mission for me. Kill Dumbledore or you and your family die.

Harry: ...

Draco: How would you have reacted?

Harry: I would have never have entangled myself with the Dark Side in the first place!

Draco: I was born into the Dark Side. I never had a choice.

Harry: Er... Well ... Er...

Draco: You don't know anything about me, you don't know what it was like on the day when Dumbledore died. I had him cornered and wandless. I pointed my wand at his heart, I was supposed to kill him but I didn't. He then gave me a choice, a beautiful chance to leave the Dark Arts forever. I lowered my wand, intending to give up. But more Death Eaters arrived, and they killed him.

Harry: What happened then?

Draco: I was honoured as the boy who brought about the Death of Dumbledore. The Dark Lord was so happy, he created some strange new dance at that moment. I was fully trapped, no choice at all. Then months later, I and the rest of the Death Eaters are called to a meeting in a cemetery. You were captured, The Dark Lord was dancing, asked me to kill you and I missed.

Harry: I vaguely recall.

Draco: The Dark Lord died, the Death Eaters died. I stood there shocked. Your Order arrived and in that moment I decided to take the credit.

Harry: I vaguely recall that too.

Draco: I'm sorry. But if I didn't, it would have been Azkaban for me. I hope you understand my position.

Harry: Well in some weird sense, yeah. I do.

Draco: Good

Harry: But, I still hate you.

Draco: Some things never change.

Harry: Are we done here?

Draco: I won't keep you any longer.

Harry relaxes his guard, puts his wand in his pocket and turns away, leaving a smiling Draco behind.

_Maybe he isn't that bad of a guy after all._

As Draco watches Harry walk away, he raises his wand and cries "Stupefy!"

* * *

Harry: (Wakes up) What? Am I tied again?! (Tied to a chair)

Harry is a small empty room with only a door leading out. The door opens, Draco and a tall hooded man walks in.

Harry: You're evil! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

Draco: A sob story?! You fell for a sob story?! You are indeed as dumb as I've been telling people all these years.

Harry: I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! ...

Tall man: Silence...

Harry shut up, a cold shiver passed through him as he heard the words. _That voice, No! It can't be! _The tall man lifts his hood back revealing a white pale face, red eyes and a flat nose like a snake.

Lord Voldemort was still alive.

Lord Voldemort: Hello Harry

Harry: You're alive?! How?! I saw you die!

Lord Voldemort: No, I did not die. All this is part of my plan for World Domination! You see, after...

Harry: Oh no, not another great grand evil scheme! Kill me! Kill me now!

Lord Voldemort: Maybe you're right (Raises wand)

Harry: Wait! Er... lets talk more.

Lord Voldemort: (Lowers wand) As I was saying, after that night in the Ministry of Magic where my Death Eaters could not even control a bunch of kids, I lost faith in them and decided that they will not follow me to power.

I started to fashion a plan, one: To kill Albus Dumbledore. Two: To kill all my useless Death Eaters. Three: To take over the world.

The last part was the most difficult. Since I was a student at Hogwarts I studied the Arts of "Massive Deception". Magic which could fool all kind into believing a lie. I continued to study this after I returned to my body and only in the past year, did I learn all of its secrets.

The spell I would need to cast required a complete soul. Who else but the boy who brought about the death of Albus Dumbledore?

Draco: That's me!

Lord Voldemort: After the demise of Albus Dumbledore, I orchestrated my death and as expected, My followers killed each other. Afterwards, when Order of the Phoenix took Draco and you away, I apparated to Snape's house where we cast the spell of massive deception, I also gave him some masterful healing powers.

Draco became an overnight celebrity, all who looked upon him were instantly put under his spell. Everybody and every species now loves him, just as I planned.

Harry: So how come I don't love him?

Lord Voldemort: I put a few exceptions for me and Snape, apparently you are protected through our link.

Harry: I always knew this scar was useful.

Lord Voldemort: I secretly guided Draco in bringing world peace and getting elected "President of the World" Now he shall hand over all power to me, and I shall rule the world!

_I have to do something!_

Harry: Er... Where am I?

Lord Voldemort: Wouldn't you like to know?! Well, you're not...

Draco: (Sneers) You're in the Room of Requirement.

Lord Voldemort: (Glares at Draco)

Draco: What?

Harry: Hogwarts? Well, what is to stop somebody from just walking in?

Lord Voldemort: You think I'm that dumb? I'll have you know that I've carefully secured this room from outside interference, nobody is getting in.

Ron: (Walks in)

Lord Voldemort: (Jumps) You didn't lock the door?!

Draco: I thought you did!

Ron: Say... what's going on over here?

Harry: I'll tell you what's going on! Vol... (Voldemort covers Harry's mouth with his hand)

Draco: Er... I and Harry... have patched up... and I'm showing Harry how to... er... fight Voldemort ... who is... made up by a ... er... Muggle hologram?

_That's lame! Nobody is going to fall for that! Could anybody fall for that? Nah, nobody!_

Ron: Okay, carry on.

Harry: (Struggles madly in a blinding rage)

_Let me go! Let me kill him! I'll come back! Honest I will, just let me at him!_

Lord Voldemort: Say Ron, get me the Sword of Gryffindor will you?

Ron: Sure, Mr. Fake Lord Voldemort sir (Giggles, leaves)

Lord Voldemort: (To Draco) Get Snape and your Father here now.

Draco: At once. (Leaves)

Lord Voldemort: Now Harry, to business... _Crucio._

* * *

A few minutes later, Snape, Lucius Malfoy and Draco enter the room. Lord Voldemort finishes torturing Harry and looks at turns to them.

Harry: Ga ga goo goo ga ga _What am I saying?!_

Lord Voldemort: The last time Harry Potter is going to be with us, anybody want to do anything to him for one last time?

Snape: (Raises hand to the air) Me! Me! (Walks to Harry) Ahem, A Thousand points from Gryffindor for ridiculous baby talk.

Harry: Are you crazy?!

Snape: Make it two thousand.

Harry: It's the start of term, we don't have any points!

Snape: Three thousand.

Lord Voldemort: All right already! Who's next.

Draco: At last, I can shave your head and dye your scalp blonde, the supreme insult! (Withdraws Dye and a shaver from his pocket)

Lord Voldemort: No! That'll take hours! Next.

Draco: Not fair!

Lucius Malfoy: How did you keep that ring?! That should have been stolen along with your other gold. Give it to me! (Grabs Harry's hand and tries to pull it off) Come out, come out! By the great Goddess of Mischief come out! ... Oh forget it (Drops Harry's hand)

Snape: Goddess of what?

Lucius Malfoy: It's that Joke Shop jingle! I can't get it out of my head!

At the mention of the Goddess, the ring started to make Harry feel funny. Something strange was going on with his brain. Then suddenly...

_Fred: Harry! Can you hear me?_

_Harry: Fred! What are you doing in my head?_

_Fred: You called me._

_Harry: I did?_

_Fred: Yeah, with that ring didn't you?_

_Harry: This is a telepathic ring?!_

_Fred: Yeah, one of our new products, for between close friends or accomplices. Didn't we tell you that?_

_Harry: You did not! _

_Fred: Oh well, no harm no foul. What's up?_

_Harry: Oh nothing much, except for ... VOLDEMORT BEING ALIVE, DRACO BEING EVIL, SNAPE BEING EVIL, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT! GET HELP!_

_Fred: Tsk, tsk. Quit kidding Harry. You're not very good._

_Harry: I swear on the great Goddess of Mischief!_

_Fred: Oh dear lord, you're serious! Don't worry, Harry! Help is on the way!_

Lucious Malfoy: (Singing) Oh great Goddess, Oh great Goddess...

Lord Voldemort: (Targets Lucious Malfoy)

Draco: You can't kill him, remember our Unbreakable Vow sparing my parents?!

Lord Voldemort: Oh, all right!

Snape: What are we waiting around for?! Lets kill him now!

Lord Voldemort: Not now.

Snape: Why?!

Harry: What do mean "Why?" Obey your master!

Lord Voldemort: I have lost one Horcrux due to the insanely stupid actions of a person in this room.

Lucious Malfoy: (Stares at his feet)

Lord Voldemort: I believe the "Sword of Gryffindor" will be a worthy replacement.

Harry: You'd better start making more replacements.

Lord Voldemort: Eh?

Harry: I destroyed all your Horcruxes! All of them! (Sticks Tongue out)

Lord Voldemort: WHAT?!

Snape: Yes, I knew about that.

Lord Voldemort: You did?! Why didn't you tell me?!

Snape: Dumbledore's orders.

Lord Voldemort: Dumbled... YOU work for me!

Snape: Do I? I mean yes I do.. But I was... Sheesh, this gets confusing

Lord Voldemort: (Glares at Snape)

Snape: Well, you didn't actually help!

Lord Voldemort: I'm not supposed to...

Snape: So many stupid decisions and illogical dilly-dallying!

Lord Voldemort: How dare you speak to me in that tone!

Snape: I dare! Besides, where is the sword?

Lord Voldemort: I sent Ronald Weasley to fetch it.

Snape????? ... I trust you put him under the Imperious Curse?

Lord Voldemort: Er...

Snape: I can't believe this! I am the Headmaster! You could have ordered me to bring it! You could have told Draco to inform me, but nooo!

Lord Voldemort: YOU WANT TO RUN THIS OPERATION?!

Snape: YES!

Lord Voldemort: (Blankly) Well... you can't!

Snape: I'd do a far better job than you! Let's put it to a vote, All for me becoming the Leader, say aye.

Lord Voldemort: Nay!

Draco: Hey! I want to be the leader.

Lord Voldemort: I am the Dark Lord here!

Snape: I am the Headmaster of the most powerful school on Earth!

Draco: I am the Saviour of the Universe!

Lucious Malfoy: I am the Head of Gringotts! I control all the Wizarding Gold!

Lord Voldemort: So you all want to be the leader, do you? Take that! Avada Kedavra!

Snape: Avada Kedavra!

Draco: Avada Kedavra!

Lucious Malfoy: Avada Kedavra!

Everybody drops dead, well except for...

Harry: I'm alive!

Ron: (Walks in) Here is the sword... Huh? What?

Harry: It's all just like I said! Draco was evil! As was Snape and Lucious Malfoy! Voldemort had faked his own death! Do you believe me now!

Ron: It was all a lie?! I feel like some sort of spell has been lifted... I... I...

Members of the Order, the Alliance security, Ghost Dumbledore as well as Fred and George burst in!

All: What happened here?!

Ron: I... saved Harry!

_Oh no!_

* * *

Executive Producer: Colin Xavier 


End file.
